Loving Care
by Manoella Nascimento
Summary: (KPOP- Myungszy). It's tragic, but Suzy's mission in the afterlife is to find her beloved Myungsoo a wife. Too bad he is the only one not on board with the plan.


**Loving Care**

_Love is coming in its own beautiful way_

"I can't believe you actually did that."

"Oh, come on. She totally deserved it – who did she think she was deceiving anyway, pretending to like you for your personality? Did you see the way she slobbered all over your new car?" Suzy is skipping beside me, beaming at a job well done.

"So that justifies the fact that you dropped a very expensive dessert on my date's hair tonight?" I stop and turn to glare at her. She keeps on walking, the wind lightly messing with her hair.

"You didn't like her", she points out, turning to grin at me over her shoulder. "Besides, she is not the girl for you."

I sigh, running a _hand_ though my _hair_.

Suzy was right, of course. She was not the right girl for me – I can't stand the rich, shallow women my aunt makes me go in blind dates with.

"Maybe there isn't anyone on Earth that can be my other half - only you."

Suzy laughs out loud, showing her dimples and slowing to keep pace with me, "I guarantee you that the right person for you is out there, Myungsoo Oppa. I will personally find her for you. Also, it would be very weird if we stayed together, after all _I am_ _dead_."

* * *

"_You are so lucky, Suzy. Myungsoo-ah is the best catch there is! I can't believe that he picked you to marry." Min comments while curling my hair, trying to make me presentable enough to be introduced to Myungsoo's frightening aunt. _

"_So what you mean is that I'm not good enough for him."_

"_Oh, come on, Suzy! He is just the hottest guy ever and – as if that wasn't plenty – he is also extremely rich. Do you know how many women he must have throwing themselves at his feet every day? And – between all of them – he chooses to marry his dog's veterinarian."_

"_You do realize you are not making a very good job at calming my nerves before the big event?" I query glaring at Min, who smiles sheepishly. "Not a single one of those women was the right one for him."_

"_And you know exactly what he wants in a woman, do you?"_

"_Of course I do. I'm marrying him, am I not?"_

_I turn my head from side to side to inspect my new hairdo. It took a couple of hours, but finally my hair resembles something that a respectful wife-to-be would use. I don't like it much, but I'm certain that Oppa's aunt will find it very appropriate._

"_Well?" Min asks eagerly, holding and squeezing my hands. "What is the right thing to do to land a husband like Myungsoo-ssi?"_

_I think for some time until a slow smile spreads across my lips (mainly because I know that my answer will annoy her profoundly), "She must not be scared to be accidently covered in dog shit."_

* * *

I sit on the very comfortable chair on my aunt's office and feel like one of the military deserters in the old times must have felt while waiting for their execution. My aunt is very calm and rational most of the time – but fuck, she can be really scary when the occasion calls for it.

And I have no doubt that in her mind my ruined date with Dr. Choi's daughter is one of those times. I wonder what kind of punishment she has come up with – last time (when Suzy locked my date on the bathroom for two hours) she made me work overtime for three weeks, without any extra pay.

My aunt glares at me from her table, tapping her fingertips on the wood and looking straight through Suzy, who is sitting on the desk and giggling at my expression - which is actually quite cruel of her when you think that she is the reason I'm in this mess in the first place.

"Dr. Choi called to tell me about your date with his daughter. Care to explain why you thought it would be a good idea to fling vanilla pudding at her?"

"It was a chocolate mousse, actually", jokes Suzy, although she knows that Aunt Ji Ah couldn't possibly hear her.

"It wasn't my fault, aunt. The dessert just slipped from my hands and ended up in her hair." Her eyebrows rise at my declaration. I guess that if you aren't crazy enough to see your dead bride on a daily basis anyone would have a hard time believing my version of the story too.

(And in a worldwide list of all the people that could be imaginative/crazy/sensitive enough to see ghosts, Aunt Ji Ah is definitely the last one. In fact, she might not even make part of the list at all.)

"Dr. Choi is one of our most important clients, Myungsoo-ah." She sighs tiredly and stares at me frowning – probably thinking of all the terrible things she will make me do to pay for Suzy's mischief. But then she sighs and looks out of the window, "Is this still because of Suzy?"

"In more ways that you can imagine", I grumble even if I know that is not quite exactly what she means. I shoot dirty looks at Suzy who just shakes her finger at me, disapproving of the few choice words that I mumble under my breath about the way she acted earlier.

"Myungsoo-ah, I know how much Suzy meant to you, but she has been gone for a long while now and you have to let her go. It is time to find one person to share your life with. It is not healthy to spend so much time remembering someone who is dead."

"I think so too, aunt. There is nothing I want more than for Suzy to rest in peace and truly be gone so that I can finally find myself a girlfriend." I affirm loudly, looking pointedly at Suzy, who just smirks back at me – she knows I don't truly mean anything of what I just said.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that. I will keep looking for someone suitable, then. Just… Promise me you won't toss any more food on the next candidate, please." Aunt Ji Ah stands and hugs me. To my surprise I hear her sniffing. "Suzy would be happy to see you settled down with a person to love and care for you. I'm certain of it."

I awkwardly pat her back – I can probably count in one hand the number of times my aunt has actually hugged me – and leave while she dabs a Kleenex over her eyes. I can't believe that my aunt cried like that – she must be more desperate to marry me off than what I had thought.

Suzy jumps from the table, smiles at Aunt Ji Ah and slips through the door to walk by my side, humming her favorite song.

"Your aunt is very wise. I always liked her." At my glare, she smiles. "She is correct, too. You know I love you, but I'm really tired of this ghost life. I'm more than ready to depart to the afterlife and get some rest."

I open the door to my spacious office and after making sure that I was truly alone I turn to stare at Suzy (in the early days, when I was still amazed that I could see and talk with Suzy's ghost, I didn't take this type of precaution - it took me ten visits to the psychiatric and two bottles of anti-depressive medicine to learn that I should not have conversations with an invisible ghost in front of other people).

"I could believe that if you didn't manage to screw up every single one of the dates I have had so far."

"None of those women were right for you, Oppa. I told you, when I find the right person I will make certain that she doesn't escape you." She assures me winking. "Besides, you aren't ready to let me go yet. Are you?"

I shuffle the papers at my desk and ignore her question. I don't think I will ever be prepared to see her go forever. She sighs and supports her head in the desk, smiling at me softly.

"One day – sooner than you think – I will leave you." She sneaks a glance at me and her eyes water. "Although, I suppose I will miss you terribly afterwards."

"Then quit saying you have to go." I say as I have done many times in the past.

She frowns and opens her mouth to contradict me as she usually does when I mention the possibility of her staying, but she is interrupted by the door opening with a loud bang. I try to appear occupied with the colossal amount of work at my desk.

"I'm… I'm so so- sorry, sir. I just… They told me to deliver this to you, sir." One of my aunt's secretaries says, plummeting in my office and almost crashing to the floor. I stand to help her, but she regains her footing.

She turns beet red and practically throw the papers at me, leaving the room in a terrible rush as if I was a big scary monster that would have her for supper. That one has always been a little weird, I suppose. Never got over her nervousness around me, even if I have being around for enough time for her to realize that I'm not a scary boss (compared to what she must go through with my aunt, I'm pretty much a saint).

"She is still the same, isn't she?" Suzy declares smiling. "Such a responsible soul and always worried about you."

"You used to like her a lot, right? I remember you both whispering in the halls when you came to visit me at work." I can recall like it were yesterday - Suzy with her bright colored dresses and sunshine-smile, whispering secrets with the mousy secretary and sharing her light with the ordinary girl.

But Suzy is not paying any attention to me; she is staring and frowning at the door as if in a trance.

"Suzy, are you okay?" I ask trying to make her snap out of the strange mood that has taken hold of her. She looks at me deeply and sniffs a little.

"The time is finally coming. I guess I have been selfish enough keeping you for myself all this while."

I roll my eyes. Suzy has always liked making dramatic announcements that did not have the smallest sense attached to them. She laughs at my countenance. "Now, now don't get that expression on your face. I just mean that from now on I will give all I got to find you the best woman out there! Fighting!"

I huff, but smile in the end. She is just so adorable when she is determined like that. "Then we better enjoy the time we have left with each other, baby. I have the feeling that my future girlfriend won't be so pleased with my relationship with you."

"Yeah", she agrees, looking at me fondly. "The time when you won't want to have me around at all, is coming."

I start to protest, but she puffs out of existence for some time before I can have my say. I growl a little at the intentional interruption (Suzy's biggest flaw, even when alive, was always to use some sort of artifice to get herself out of arguments - while alive she used to kiss me to distract me, but since that became impossible for her as a ghost she now uses this much less pleasurable method), but admit to myself that it is probably for the better since I have to get some kind of work done.

I sit back on my desk and consider what Suzy said before leaving; finally deciding that it should not bother me. She has been telling me this kind of thing since I started to be a part of her ghost-like existence – about how her mission was finding someone that would love me and keep me company forever.

Really, there was nothing to be worried about. It was all Crazy-Suzy-Talk.

What I failed to realize was that Suzy had never before affirmed that _I_ would be the one truly wanting to never see her again.

* * *

"_Freaking Jesus! This place is huge, Suzy!" Min declares, walking around Myungsoo Oppa's company and gaping at everything. She has tried flirting with four guys so far and has actually taken pictures at the front entrance. I knew it has a bad idea to bring her here. _

"_Be a little more discreet." I hiss at her when stops as if she was hypnotized and gazes fixedly at Director Lee, who walks by us. He seems afraid of her, as well as he should, seeing that if she captures him in her web she will never – NEVER – let him go. To my shame I'm forced to drag her from her spot, while she complains and whines about how she has to have him somehow. _

_After a lot of huffing and pushing, we finally arrive at Eun Joo-ssi table, situated in front of Ms. Ji Ah's office door, like an efficient secretary must be. She seems pretty busy, talking in the phone in English and organizing countless stacks of papers. She seems so competent that I'm almost afraid to interrupt her and cause the fall of the company._

_After her call is finished she types in her computer and then finally sees us. She smiles brightly. "Miss Suzy, how are you? Can I help you with something?"_

"_I just want to know if I can meet Ms. Ji Ah for a moment."_

_She checks her computer before giving me an answer, "She is running a bit late in her schedule, would it be possible for you to wait for about an hour?"_

_As I nod my agreement, Min drags me out of the room, 'Then let's pop at Myungsoo-ssi's office and make him a surprise. In the way we might 'accidently' get lost and end up in the office of the hottie we saw earlier."_

_I laugh and let myself be dragged away, knowing that I'm setting myself to an hour long search for Director's Lee officer (which I actually know where it is, but will never tell her, just to see her annoyed) until we hear rushed footsteps and see Eun Joo-ssi with a stack of papers in front of us._

"_I'm sorry to ask for this favor, but if you could deliver this to Mr. Kim and ask for his analysis and signature I would be ever so grateful." At Min's incredulous look – she was requesting that we did her job for her, after all – she blushes terribly. "I… I just have a lot do to… It would be a great help… But if you can't then I will deliver them myself and…"_

_Before she can get more worked up I take the papers with a smile. She thanks me breathless and runs back to her table, with a relieved sigh. _

_I know pretty well why she doesn't want to take the papers to Oppa._

"_So, how long exactly has she been head over heels in love with Myungsoo-ssi?" Min chuckles, watching her back disappear from view._

"_A long time", I whisper and change the subject because it seems disrespectful to talk about someone else's unrequited love - even if the object of her desire is my husband-to-be._

* * *

When I finally finish my entire work load, Suzy isn't back yet. It worries me a bit since she is constantly at my side, talking my ears off and being a general nuisance. I don't really have a way to communicate with her by myself, so I just sigh, grab the papers that the secretary had tossed at me earlier (now revised and properly signed) and head out.

To my surprise Suzy is sitting at Ms. Eun Joo's desk, watching closely the other woman work and sneaking a couple of glances to a picture frame near the computer. She beams at what she sees and upon noticing me beckons me over.

"Miss Eun Joo, here are the papers from before." I tell her while carefully placing the papers at her desk. As I expected she flinches as if I was a serial killer and refuses to look at me. I shrug and motion at Suzy for us to leave, but she points to the picture frame.

With an annoyed huff – I really want to go home and drink a cold beer – I glance at the picture: it's the image of a very happy and relaxed brown Labrador dog, very similar to my own dog Soju.

"I didn't know you had a dog." I remark to Eun Joo-ssi before I can check myself. She seems a bit surprised by my comment and a tad wistful. It is funny because the organized, quiet and shy secretary didn't fit the usual description of a dog lover – especially of a naughty and playful dog like a Labrador.

"Yes, I have had him for a long time now", she is blushing lightly, but for the first time since I can remember she is looking at me and smiling. I had never noticed but she is quite pretty up close. "His name is David Copperfield."

"David Copperfield? What an unusual name for a dog". It looks like I said the wrong thing, because she blushes harder and avoids my gaze. I try to carry on with the conversation, "Where did you pick it from? Was it to pay homage to the magician?"

"No, it was from… from a book." She whispers quietly, staring at the picture frame and ignoring me as she is so fond of doing.

Since it seems that she won't give me the time of the day anymore, I turn and walk away after saying goodbye. Suzy skips beside me, although she stops and looks back with a pensive expression at Eun Joo-ssi every so often.

"Who knew that she – of all people – would like dogs?" I comment to Suzy, while we drive back to my apartment. She seems to think that my observation is funny because she laughs.

"It is amazing how men don't really pay attention to details or remember things they deem bellow their interest. And you are as clueless as they come. Are you telling me that you had never noticed that she loved dogs?"

I glare a little at her, but have to admit that I never had realized that my aunt's shy secretary liked dogs so much that she would have a picture of her dog at her work desk.

"But what kind of name is that? David Copperfield is such a dumb name for a dog – I wonder from what kind of book she got it from."

"From a coming of age book, with a beautiful love story" Suzy explains, looking at me patiently. "It is about one man that is so self-involved that he doesn't realize that the love of his life is right under his nose. So he marries another woman that, although lovable in her own way, is weak and brings him many grievances. When she dies, he finally realizes that he has loved the first woman all along and fixes his own mistakes in order to conquer her."

I raise my eyebrows at that. Who would have guessed that Eun Joo-ssi would be such a romantic at heart? I pose this question at Suzy who smirks at me. "Of course she is a romantic woman. I think that is quite obvious by the way she acts around you."

"What could you possibly mean by that?" I ask while parking the car at the garage. I'm so tired that I just want to drink a cold beer, play a little bit with Soju and sleep like the dead.

"Oh, dear", Suzy giggles. "As I said, you are really clueless with things like that. But don't you worry, Oppa. All is well that ends well, as they say."

I shake my head at Suzy's enigmatic response and walk to the elevator. At my apartment's door I can hear Soju barking, recognizing mine and Suzy's scent (for some unexplainable reason he can see her too).

As I open the door and Soju jumps and licks me I caught myself thinking of Eun Joo-ssi and of her Labrador dog. I wonder if having a constant companion feels as important to her as it does to me.

* * *

"_Suzy, you better come out. There is a crazy guy out there who claims to have a very sick Labrador puppy. He is making quite the scandal." Min informs opening the door of the operation room. I motion to the unconscious dog that I'm about to cut open, but she quickly pushes me away and takes my place. It doesn't surprise me – she has been forbidden to deal with angry costumers, considering that last time she hit one in the head and we almost got sued. _

_She escaped of being fired by buying our boss alcohol every night for a whole month and recording his embarrassing moments every time he got drunk (like the time he had hit on a guy by mistake, gotten punched and still insisted in asking the man out) . At the end of the month she had so much blackmail material that he would never have dared firing her- also she managed to get a bigger bonus and more vacation time than anyone else on the clinic._

"_Fine", I grumble, taking off my scrubs and starting to walk in the direction of the lobby. I can actually hear a heated masculine voice screaming. Sighing, I square my shoulders and prepare myself to battle._

_It is utter chaos at the lobby. There is an angry man screaming at everybody to get him a veterinarian while a quiet woman by his side holds two puppies, humming and effectively calming one of them that seems pretty distressed._

"_All right, let's see the puppy." I say, stopping his screams and taking the puppy from the girl. He puts himself in front of her (almost as if forgotten of her existence) and glares at me until he sees me begin the examination (usually I would take the dog to one of our examinations rooms, but I'm kind of scared of what he might do if I take even a minute longer to start the routine procedure checkup)._

"_Oh, it is really nothing." I proclaim quite relieved. "It is just that he has some stomach issues. Some medicine and he will be…"_

_But of course that I don't manage to finish my sentence – the puppy apparently gets over its issues with my probing fingers and poops all over my shirt. I stand there smelly and covered in shit, while the puppy escapes my arms and runs around the lobby seemingly quite well._

_The man stares at my soiled clothes and is completely speechless. He catches my eyes and blushes a little. I start to laugh – really it had to happen to someone like me, having a total hottie (as I have just suddenly noticed) catch me covered in dog shit._

_His lips turn upward uncertainly until he is laughing with me at my white-now-brown shirt. _

"_I'm sorry; if only I had given you time to cover yourself with something. It really is my fault. I insist on paying for your dry cleaning." He mumbles handing me his business card. I sneak a glance and read his name - Kim Myungsoo, Vice President of Kim Company._

"_It isn't necessary. If I wasn't accustomed to these kinds of things I would be a pretty useless veterinarian." He laughs a little and his eyes shine. I divert my gaze and give him technical details of the puppy conditions and assert that it might be a good idea for it to be at the clinic for some time more._

"_Sure, anything for Soju's wellbeing", he agrees while staring at me. He smiles while reading the nametag on my shirt and I am a goner. "So I will see you here when I come for him then, Miss Suzy?"_

_I smile bashfully, not quite believing he is actually flirting with me in my present condition. He grins and leaves to figure out__the details with the clinic's receptionist. I stare after him in what must be a lovesick state until a discreet cough wakes me up from the trance I had fallen into._

_It is the woman that was with him, still holding the other puppy. I had completely forgotten about her. I begin functioning again like the professional that I'm supposed to be and ask her for the puppy's history (questions that truly should have been asked to Myungsoo-ssi) as well as her name (Gu Eun Joo)._

"_We were leaving the company where we both work at the same time when I heard some noise nearby and Mr. Kim offered to come with me in case I needed help. It was these two puppies in a carbon box. One of them seemed sick, so Mr. Kim ran and brought him here. I'm guessing that he decided to keep him."_

"_Is this the other puppy?" I inquire, pointing to the puppy snuggling in her arms. She squeezes it protectively. "Do you need me to find a home for him?"_

"_No" she answers smiling softly. "I will be keeping him."_

_After giving her explanations about proper puppy care, training, as well as an examination on her new dog, I turn to go back to check on the surgery that I left at Min's capable (if slightly crazy) hands when Eun Joo-ssi carefully stops me by holding my arm._

"_I don't mean to intrude, but you should call Mr. Kim", she declares with a sad smile. "He is a wonderful man. You won't find anyone better, I guarantee you."_

_She turns to leave as I dumbly watch her go. Because we woman always know when we see love staring at us and pure love was shining at her eyes. I wonder how Myungsoo-ssi never noticed._

* * *

"What could possibly be so important that we have to come all this way to walk with the dog?"

Suzy just smiles at my terrible mood. She has made me walk all around town to come to this little hidden – or in her words 'completely charming'- park instead of the usual track I walk Soju on. I'm not pleased, plus my feet are hurting. It is quite possible that I have been neglecting the gym too often.

"You will see", she grins and waves Soju over. He runs around her, barking, genuinely happy at being in her presence. It undoubtedly looks creepy to other people – a dog barking to the air – but I don't really care.

My whole world could be summed up in those two (plus Aunt Ji Ah, I suppose). This is quite sad - since the most important things for me are the ghost of my dead fiancé, my Labrador dog and an angry-looking aunt.

I sigh and sit down on the grass, trusting Suzy to keep Soju entertained.

If Suzy was alive my life would have been very different– a married man, with no tendencies to see and interact with hallucinations (as my old shrink so wisely asserted) and maybe even one or two kids to pester me. It is quite a shame that with Suzy's accident and death I have to make do with an apparition and a mutt.

I'm so engrossed by these depressing thoughts that when another Labrador dog shows up and starts rough playing with Soju, resulting in a lot of barking and general confusion, it takes me some time to stand up and try to apart the almost-fight. It ends up being unnecessary anyway, because someone whistles and the other dog obediently stops and lies down.

It is Eun Joo-ssi.

She walks to the dogs and after some quiet words and patting on both of them, they are as friendly as could be, licking and sniffing at each other while she laughs on the side. She finally turns in my direction and sees me. She stills surprised.

I'm so amazed I actually just stand there with my jaw slacked. Soju isn't an obedient dog by any means. He doesn't obey anybody; even Suzy (with all her training) couldn't make him quiet down when he was in a funk.

Also, in all of the years that I have known Eun Joo-ssi – close to six now – I had never seen her in any other clothes than her secretary outfit (which, to be frank, seems like she robbed a ninety woman's closet). For the first time I notice that not only she is quite pretty, but she also has a very nice body.

I shake my head to scatter these wanderings and smile at her. She seems lost, but slowly smiles back. We walk towards each other and as soon as we are near enough to be heard I compliment her on her dog training technics.

She blushes, but this time I know is from pleasure at my praise, "It is nothing, Mr. Kim. Labradors just need some tough love sometimes; otherwise they don't respect their owners or anything else for that matter".

I chuckle and confess that I suck at dog training. I even add that Soju has pretty much destroyed my entire house since I brought him in. She laughs and after some thinking offers to teach me some skills in that department.

We spend the rest of the afternoon training the dogs, rolling on the grass and laughing our asses off. At first she is really closed off, shy and unsure, but as the night comes she smiles more and more when she realizes that I spoke the truth about who is the pack leader in my relationship with Soju.

I'm startled when she affirms she must go home to finish some work. I haven't realized that we had been in the park for such a long time and now I feel terribly guilty because she must be starving (God knows I am),

"Why don't we grab some dinner, Eun Joo?", I ask smirking. "It will be my way of thanking you for today."

She seems quite surprised of my use of her first name, but after rolling around the grass together all afternoon it would be very weird to still be talking to her formally. Finally she grins and agrees. By the nightlight her eyes shine and she looks beautiful. Besides, she has worked up a sweat from all the exercise and I can see her bra through her white shirt. Hopefully she won't notice the direction that my eyes keep going to, almost on their own accord.

I just noticed, but she has really nice boobs.

We decide to go to a snack bar that allows dogs nearby and it is almost midnight when I finally get home, take a shower and snuggle into bed. I'm beat. All this running around that we did reminds me that I must start going to the gym again, especially since we agreed that we will continue with the training next weekend (Heaven knows that Soju needs a _lot of _training).

For some reason Eun Joo didn't look as tired as I feel. She probably does this every weekend – which would explain why she is in such good shape. I would never have imagined she was so funny, either. I have laughed so much today that my stomach actually hurts. I think I talked more to Eun Joo today that I have spoken to anyone else since Suzy's death.

Except Suzy herself.

I'm almost asleep when I snap my eyes open again.

_Where is Suzy?_

I haven't see her since Eun Joo appeared at the park. She never leaves for such a long period of time. My heart starts beating fast and I'm this close to start screaming her name when I notice she is at the foot of the bed, staring at me with a soft expression.

"Where the hell have you been?" I yell, because I have been almost scared to death by her little trick. Soju barks at my side, probably awaken by the volume of my voice.

"I have been here, of course. Right by you as I always am", she says sitting at my side and smiling, "You were just too busy to realize."

"Don't you ever scare me like that again", I hiss at her and she grins. She then bats her eyelashes at me and I have no choice but to smile. I never won an argument with Suzy and I don't suppose I will begin now.

"I love you, Oppa. Be happy", she whispers as I fall asleep.

* * *

"_I don't get it. Why would you be so nervous to go to Myungsoo-ssi's company?" Min asks with an ironic tone of voice, while I clutch my cellphone closer and look in every direction before taking unsure steps in the direction of the reception desk. "Wasn't he the one who called you non-stop__these past few weeks? Also, it was him who sent you gifts, flowers and asked you out at every opportunity. If my dear Junho would get over his shyness and do even half of that, I would be banging at his door day and night! So it is pretty clear that the guy wants to go out with you, so suck up and be confident, for goodness' sake!"_

_Min hangs up, obviously fed up with my lack of confidence about this thing with Myungsoo-ssi. She is right, of course (not about Director Lee's shyness and their imagined-relationship – that man is terrified of her, but about all the rest of her incensed speech). There is no conceivable reason for me to be so nervous (that she knows of) – he has pretty much stalked me in hopes of a date._

_I know__ he likes me__. _

_And __I like him__, too._

_The problem is that __Eun Joo-ssi loves him__._

_And I really can't figure out what to do with all this information. Should I respect Eun Joo-ssi's feelings and never see him again? Pretend I'm not in when he calls to the clinic? Change my phone number? Ignore my own feelings?_

_It is cruel for someone to demand that I a single man like Myungsoo-ssi mustn't pursue a woman he likes – and, that likes him in return – but at the same time, maybe it is crueler to stomp in Eun Joo-ssi's heart._

_So now I'm here, at Myungsoo-ssi's company at his request, with no clue how to deal with all this complicated feelings and really scared to meet Eun Joo-ssi. This means that in the way to Myungsoo-ssi's office, I'm hiding behind doors and on the lookout for any signs that Eun Joo-ssi might be near. _

_I feel guilty._

_I have never felt so guilty in all my life. _

_So maybe that is my answer – I must be doing something terribly wrong for my chest to be this heavy. I must tell Myungsoo-ssi that we won't work. That I don't like him – that he should never look for me again._

_My heart aches. I don't want to tell him any of these things. I want to date him, to hold hands, to kiss him. I want to be happy together – and I'm pretty sure he wishes it, too. God, everything is just so screwed up._

_I lean against the wall and sigh. My eyes sting with unshed tears, but I know what I must do to feel at least marginally better. It is time to say goodbye to Myungsoo-ssi and the romance that we could have had._

_I sniff a couple of times and get myself ready to walk until Myungsoo-ssi's office to put an end to all his hopes. Unfortunately I have barely given two steps when I find myself face to face with Eun Joo-ssi. I gasp and gawk at her, blushing harder by the second. _

_I can't believe she saw me here – I'm so ashamed that I could die._

_Eun Joo-ssi stares at me for some time before smiling. "How nice to see you again, Miss Suzy. Are you looking for Mr. Kim's office? It is the second door to the right."_

_She smiles one more time and starts to leave. I hold her arm when she passes by my side. I can't bear for her to think that I'm trying to steal her man – even if I'm certain that they are not in any kind of relationship._

_We gaze at each other eyes until I croak the only thing that passes through my mind, "I'm sorry, Eun Joo-ssi. I'm so sorry."_

_I don't know for what I'm apologizing for exactly, but I feel that I need to do it in any case. In the few minutes that we stay there looking at each other, I imagine a thousand ways she may react by my presence in the company._

_We both know that I always knew about her love for Myungsoo-ssi and still I am here. What that makes me in her point of view? A cruel bitch or a woman hopelessly in love? Will she pull my hair out or cry her sorrows with me?_

_But of all the things I imagined, nothing could have prepared me to what she actually did. Eun Joo-ssi smiles slowly, and places her hand above mine. She is very warm. "It is completely fine, Miss Suzy. I know better than anyone that is impossible to not fall in love with him."_

_And with that, she points the way to Myungsoo-ssi's office again and leaves. I gape at her and think to myself that Eun Joo-ssi must be the strongest woman I have ever met._

* * *

The change in Soju is amazing. From just a couple encounters with Eun Joo he is so different he might as well be another dog. Even Aunt Ji Ah – who never liked him in the first place – comments on how well behaved he is as she stops at my house for tea.

When I tell her that it was all thanks to Eun Joo and our gruesome training hours at the park every weekend a new light seems to shine in her eyes, mainly at her notice of me mentioning Eun Joo's first name. "I see. So you have spent a long time with Eun Joo-ssi, then. How do you like her? I personally find her to be very competent, even if she is a little shy."

"She is quite shy," I agree, scratching my neck. "But as you get to know her she becomes more and more relaxed. She has a very funny personality, believe it or not. Also, she is really patient and smart; she knows how to do basically anything, Aunt."

I still have more qualities to add, but I stop when I notice the smirk in Aunt Ji Ah's face. "What? Why are you like that?"

"Oh, nothing. It is just that the last time I recall you being this excited about a woman you ended up introducing me to Suzy - who you said it was the woman you were going to be with forever."

I'm so surprised at the nonsense she is sprouting that I spit my tea on the carpet. That has to be the most hilarious thing I have ever heard – me interested in Eun Joo? I laugh while Aunt Ji Ah just shakes her head at me and smiles serenely.

I look around for Suzy – to share the joke with her – but she is nowhere to be found. For some reason she keeps disappearing more and more nowadays. I stop laughing and scowl at Aunt Ji Ah – maybe Suzy got upset about what she said. God knows that no matter how much she may talk about finding me another woman, I'm certain that she doesn't really want me to be with someone else.

"You must be delirious, Aunt." I say, frowning at her. "Eun Joo is only helping me with Soju. That is all."

"If you say so, Myungsoo-ah", Aunt Ji Ah answers with a sigh, standing up, nodding at me and walking to the front door. "Just remember that the worst blind is the one who won't see what is right in front of him."

I dismiss what she says and quickly walk around the house looking for Suzy. I find her hunched in the kitchen floor, talking softly with Soju and sniffing every so often. Her eyes widen when I sit beside her.

"What's wrong? Are you upset about what Aunt Ji Ah said? Because you must know that there is nothing going on between Eun Joo and I. Come on! Even the notion of something like that is quite ridiculous. Can you imagine us together? I would be fed up with her shy personality in less than a day." I affirm, gazing at her bent form, trying to make her laugh.

She stares at me, her face wet with her tears. "I don't think you would be like that at all, Myungsoo. I think you two would be great together."

I glare at her, standing up and scowling, suddenly angry that she is making things more complicated then they need to be. Didn't she just hear me say that I have no interest in Eun Joo? "Stop it, Suzy. There is nothing - NOTHING – between Eun Joo and I. Do you hear me?"

She looks down for a long while, which just angers me more. I'm about to yell at her again, when she also stands up and gazes into my eyes. "It is just that now that the time has finally come, I don't want to let you go – even if she had you first. It hurts."

"STOP IT!" I scream so loud that Soju barks complaining and I will probably get calls from the neighbors about the noise. I want to shake Suzy, make her be quiet – but I can't. So I just glower at her, hoping she will just shut up.

"Why?" Suzy whispers, "There are some things that need to be said between us. And now – now that you have found the woman for you – it is the time to say them."

"She is NOT the woman for me, Suzy! God, haven't you heard when I said that I'm not interested in her?"

"But you are." She smiles softly at my anger. "I know you better than anyone, remember? You are interested. And soon you will love her."

"Suzy, you better stop with this fucking subject, I'm warning you." I hiss at her, clenching my fists in anger. I can't believe that Suzy of all people would consider the idea that I might be falling in love with Eun Joo - when she must know that I would give anything to bring her back from the dead.

"I have always wondered how long would have taken you to fall in love with Eun Joo if we hadn't met. Now I know – it took you only ten weeks." She shakes her head, and more tears leak from her eyes. "It is almost time for me to go now."

I'm so mad at her right now that I'm seeing everything through a haze of red. "STOP IT!", I scream over and over, but Suzy keeps crying and shaking her head. Finally I explode, punching the kitchen wall.

"THEN GO! IF YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD CHANGE YOU FOR THAT FREAKING SECRETARY THAN YOU BETTER LEAVE!"

The kitchen is quiet – the only sound that can be heard is Soju's barks. It takes me some minutes to be able to see through my tears, but when I'm finally able to look around I realize that Suzy is gone.

"SUZY! YOU BETTER COME BACK RIGHT NOW!"

But no matter how much I scream and beg, Suzy doesn't come back. My voice is turning hoarse, but even then I still shout and cry for Suzy, drinking can upon can of beer sitting on my kitchen floor.

When I stand up my legs are wobbling and I'm pretty sure I'm dead drunk. But I go to the phone and call up a taxi. Because I know exactly who is responsible for the mess I'm in right now and I have every intention of putting the blame where it rightly belongs.

The taxi comes and although it takes some effort to not throw up with the car movements, I accomplish in remembering her address from the company files and finally found myself in front of Eun Joo's house. I'm quite dizzy, but I achieve in ringing the doorbell. As I wait, all my anger comes back.

She is the reason that Suzy left. God I could KILL her.

"It is your fault!" I yell at her as soon as she opens the door. She doesn't seem as surprised to see me in her doorstep as I expected, but then I don't think the impressions of a plastered man can be taken at face value.

"Mr. Kim…" She murmurs, trying to support my weight and take me inside her house. For some reason her formal way of talking to me makes me even madder. Haven't we spent the last couple weeks as friends? Why all this formality from her?

We almost fall twice at the stairs but manage to get into her living room. David Copperfield, barks a little, but quiets down as soon as Eun Joo hisses at him. She tries to prop me against the wall, but I resist her out of pure stubbornness – I don't want to make things easier for her.

But no matter how much I wanted to hit her before, to my dismay - when she looks at me with her huge and sparkling eyes - I feel my eyes filling with tears and hold onto her, smelling her flowery smell. She stumbles under my weight, but keeps us standing.

She is strong.

"Suzy is gone" Out of all the things that are heavy in my mind right now this is the main one. I bury my face in her neck and even when I feel my tears soak her blouse, she doesn't complain. She just keeps talking nonsense at me, hoping to quiet me down.

She tries to make me let go of her again and sit me on her sofa, but I can't let her go. Suzy is gone – _I told her to leave_ – and I can't bear for Eun Joo to leave my embrace too. I sob in her neck and she stills. I should be ashamed of crying this way in front of her, but I'm too broken hearted to care about that right now.

Suzy is gone – is the only thought that registers in my mind. I don't know how long we stand in her living room, holding each other tightly, but she succeeds in making me spill all my secrets - about Suzy and about my interest in her.

When I confess that I might be harboring this kind of feeling for her, both of us stop breathing. To speak the truth I hadn't realized until that moment that I was looking at her and seeing something more than a good friend. The nice things I had been noticing about her, the way I missed her during the week and craved the weekends when she made me laugh so easily – it all made sense now.

It makes me cry even harder because Suzy knew.

And God – I never wanted to hurt Suzy, not when she was alive and not now, when she probably is just a figment of my imagination. I _love _Suzy. I will always love Suzy. This newly discovered feeling for Eun Joo can be many things, but it will never be even close to the love that I feel towards Suzy.

She doesn't say anything about my love confession or about the way I still keep asking for Suzy even after I told Eun Joo I must be falling in love with her. She just makes me lie down on her sofa and sings me a lullaby.

Suzy sings lullabies all the time. When she was alive she used to joke that our child first words wouldn't be 'appa'or 'omma', but 'twinkle, twinkle little star'. She wanted to have a house full of children and pets – I usually joked that we better suck up to Aunt Ji Ah because we would need a lot of money to buy a house big enough to fit everything that she dreamed of.

My eyes start to close, while Eun Joo dries my tears and caresses my hair. She does it differently than Suzy, but not in a less pleasurable way. I wonder if all women are born with the innate sense of how to calm a shattered heart and then I'm out.

* * *

_I laugh at Myungsoo Oppa when he sticks his tongue out at mine and Min's picture and turned it to the wall with a wink. He is not her biggest fan at this point in time, nor could he be, after she got caught stalking Director Lee at his work and home, scaring the poor man to death (apparently she even managed to get pictures of him in the shower, ones that she assures me were worth it almost going to jail for). I bet the lashing that Myungsoo had to hear from his Aunt wasn't pretty. _

_And he had actually told me that he had thought Min rather cute and innocent when he met her for the first time. I often wonder how he could ever have thought that. I also wonder how he could choose me – simple-minded, clumsy, regularly covered in unidentified substances – instead of the smart Eun Joo. I ask myself frequently how he doesn't notice her love for him and what I would do if one day he finally did._

_Myungsoo – no matter how much he would probably deny if I were ever to say it to his face – is a very naïve, absented minded and gullible person. Very sweet, for sure, but he wouldn't last a day in the real world. I expect that he is that way from being too spoiled by his Aunt when he was a child._

_Not that I blame her. If a nephew like him had been deposited at my door at the tender age of five – a recently orphaned and scared little boy – I would undoubtedly have spoiled him senseless as well. It must say something about Oppa's character that he didn't turn out to be a major brat._

_Myungsoo also laughs and snuggles against me. Soju is just outside the door, scratching and barking, begging to come in. It doesn't really matter that I have a diploma in training dogs, whenever I face a pet I really love I suck at disciplining it. Myungsoo is very amused by this fact and reminds me of it every time Soju poops in my carpet._

_Myungsoo kisses my cheek and looks at me as if I was the most desirable woman in the entire world – even if I know that I'm not. Even if I think privately that Eun Joo would fit him better. _

_I hold him tighter to dispel such thoughts. Because I also know that no matter how sure I am that he would love Eun Joo much more than he loves me if given half a chance, I will never let him go and find that out, not after Eun Joo herself has given her permission for our love._

_I'm selfish that way._

* * *

I feel horrible when I wake. I have a huge headache, my throat feels like I just swallowed a ton of sand and I'm so dizzy that I'm certain that I will never be able to walk again. I turn around trying to find the glass of water that I always put at my nightstand but there is no glass.

Actually there is no nightstand either.

I blink and force myself to focus. I'm on a couch in a strange living room. I start to remember the pathetic display I made at Eun Joo's house last night when the woman herself holds a glass of water to my lips. I can't possibly maintain eye contact with her, so I just look at my lap.

God – the things I said to her.

After I drink all the water and manage to stand up I remember the reason why I had come to her house in the first place.

_Suzy._

Forget about being embarrassed, forget about the talk that Eun Joo probably wants – and deserves – to have with me. I have to find Suzy right now.

I turn to Eun Joo, an excuse and promises to call her later already at my lips, when she beats me to the punch and talks first. "Suzy hasn't left, Myungsoo-ssi. She would never leave like that – if I know something for sure is that. She is waiting for you. She will come when you are ready to talk to her."

I'm stupefied by her words. Not only because for some strange and astonishing reason I believe in her, but because I can tell that she believes me. She actually trusts in me when I claim I can see Suzy – she understands that I'm not hallucinating, that Suzy is plenty real.

Also, this is the first time she ever called me Myungsoo-ssi instead of Mr. Kim. Even amid all the chaos in my heart, it warms up when I notice this tiny detail (even if it is still a long way from being called only by my first name). I suppose that after the way I proclaimed my love for her last night it is just fair that she calls me by my name. I'm actually happy that she didn't call me Oppa – that is and will always be Suzy's title for me.

At the reminder of Suzy and her whereabouts I'm trust into motion again. It doesn't matter that I have faith in Eun Joo promises; I need to see Suzy for myself. Eun Joo smiles at me as if she knows what I'm thinking, "Just go. Here, take these pills and this thermos with some soup. I will call a taxi for you."

And in her usual efficient manner she has me ready to go in less than ten minutes. I'm very anxious to look for Suzy, but I stop before getting into the car. It seems wrong to leave her like this.

"It is all right, Myungsoo-ssi." She assures me, caressing my arm. "Go look for Miss Suzy. I will be waiting until you feel that you are ready to come to me."

I feel like there is something stuck in my throat that prevents me from talking. I certainly need to thank her for understanding the importance of Suzy in my life, but I only manage to smile. I get in the taxi and watch her waving until we turn the corner of her street.

I'm bouncing in my seat, wishing that the car could go faster. I'm clenching Eun Joo's thermos so tight that my knuckles are white. The car barely stops, when I throw money at the driver and run to my apartment. Soju is not barking at the entrance, which means that someone he knows is in there with him - and since I'm pretty sure that Aunt Ji Ah wouldn't be caught dead with him and Eun Joo is at her house - there is only one other person he would be quiet with.

Suzy is sitting on the floor next to Soju, playing peek-a-boo with him and probably making him the happiest dog alive. I'm so relieved that I fall at her feet. She looks at me and beams.

"So you did come back. I was wondering if you would." She says glancing and winking at me. To look at her now one would think that last night was part of my imagination.

"Don't you ever do that again, Suzy."

She giggles and agrees. "You are right – I was quite self-centered, wasn't I? All this time I said that I was going to lead you to your perfect woman and when you finally find her I try to keep you from her. I think that I must be terrible indeed."

"She is not my perfect woman." I insist, wishing more than anything that I could hold her and kiss her one more time. "You are."

She sighs and grins at me. "I know. But who was the one who said that a person can't have more than one perfect woman in each stage of his life? Maybe I was your perfect woman when we met, but now both of us now that she is the one."

I gulp and look at the floor. I can feel my eyes begin to water. This feels like a goodbye. "Suzy no matter what I may feel towards Eun Joo you will always be the love of my life. You must know that."

"I do", she agrees, putting her face between mine head and the floor, forcing me to look at her. "And you, dear Oppa, are mine. I will never forget you. Ever."

"Don't go." I whisper, watching my tears fall through her and splash on the ground. "How will I live without you?"

"Plenty fine, I'm sure. With someone like Eun Joo-ssi by your side I don't think you would have much choice. She is frightfully competent in all things, after all."

"Suzy, please stay." I sob, trying to hold her and failing like always. I can't believe she is leaving. "If this is because of Eun Joo I promise to never see her again. I won't even mention her if you want to."

"Don't lie to me." She sighs smiling, although now she also has tears in her lashes and cheeks. "I'm not mad at all. I told you a million times already – I want you to find someone and I'm really – _really _- tired of this life. I'm so glad that you fell in love with someone that you will love as much – if not more – than you love me. You deserve a happy life."

"I don't care about any of that" I say desperately. "Only you – I want you to stay forever."

"No you don't. You want to have a family. You want to kiss and be kissed in return. You want a normal, happy life and I want it for you, too. Can you tell me, looking at my eyes, that you don't want any of those things?"

I stare at her and I'm rendered unable to lie.

_I hate myself._ Because the truth is that no matter how much I love Suzy – and fuck, I love her so much that it physically hurts – I want those things. A normal life, a caring wife who makes me dinner when I come home, children…

"See? I'm not leaving because of Eun Joo-ssi, Oppa. I'm leaving because of you. Because you are ready to let me go and I'm ready to leave and let you be happy with another woman."

I'm sobbing so much that I can barely speak, I only keep saying 'stay' like a broken record. I can barely see Suzy because of my tears, but I can tell she is standing from her squatted position. I try to grab her legs, but it is useless.

_Nothing I can do will make her stay._

"I'm so glad for having had the chance to be loved by you. Be happy with Eun Joo-ssi. Have the life you always wanted and think of me sometimes if you can spare the time." She squats and smiles at me. "But don't give my name to one of your future daughters. That would be really creepy."

And then, she disappears, leaving behind only her giggles and my broken self.

* * *

_I laugh happily at Min while she keeps dancing the new INFINITE song. She tries, poor dear, to get all the steps right – but she has two left feet. Also__,__ I suppose that dancing drunk in the backseat of a taxi doesn't help._

"_Stop! You are killing me!" I beg, holding my stomach. It hurts from too much laughter and soju. But again it was my bachelorette party so if there is one day it is okay to be sloshed it has to be today._

"_You have no appreciation of the fine arts", Min complains hitting me in the head and giggling. "I want you to know that I was scouted to belong to a K-pop band, okay? The only reason why I didn't go is because my religious grandfather thought it would be a great sin to shake my behind at strangers. To him you can only shake your booty to your husband."_

_I laugh so hard that I almost fall from the seat. Min and her outrageous tales. I doubt that she even knows how to do the booty circle – she dances pretty badly as her last attempt just proved. I decide to rile her up, so that I can laugh a bit more. "Go on, Min. Shake your booty! You have to train for Junho-ssi!"_

_She turns her back at the driver and starts to shake when she seems to have a better idea. "No, no, no. You too have to learn to shake your booty, Suzy. You are the one that will be able to shake yourself without any fear from the flames of hell faster than I. Dear Junho is a tough nut to crack. "_

_She pushes me to her side and tries to teach me to dance the Lambada (which she claims to have learned while she dated a Colombian man). We are giggling like chickens and the driver keeps sending us dirty looks. After the first few tries he has given up in keeping us in our seats and has apparently decided in getting us to our destiny as fast as he can._

_And between our laughs we don't hear the driver's yell or can imagine that there will be a car crash. I died instantaneously without a trace of fear - between laughter and thoughts of seducing Myungsoo Oppa with my newly learned ability._

* * *

It took me four months to accept that Suzy was truly gone. It took me three to go to Eun Joo like she and Suzy knew I would. It took us a year to move in together - and two more to have a daughter.

I didn't name her Suzy.

I'm happy enough with my perfect baby daughter, Eun Joo, Soju and David Copperfield in our two bedroom apartment. In a way Suzy was right – I finally have the family I always wanted. Some days – when my daughter laughs at me and smiles with pure love in her gaze – I even think that my life must be as close to perfection as anyone has a right to expect.

But of all the things she got it right, Suzy was wrong about the most important one. I love Eun Joo plenty, but I will always love Suzy more. And I will never stop hoping that she appears to me again.

* * *

But, she never does.


End file.
